golf handicap

Golf Humor

There’s something about golf humor – no matter how bad it is, it will still make you smile. And, sometimes you actually hear a funny one. Hopefully some of these will at least make you smile.

At dawn the telephone rings, ‘Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.’

‘Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?’
‘Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead’

‘My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?’
‘Si, Senor, that’s the one.’

‘Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?’
‘From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.’

‘Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?’
‘Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. ‘

‘Dead horse? What dead horse?’
‘The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.’

‘My prize thoroughbred is dead?’
‘Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.’

‘Are you insane?? What water cart?’
‘The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.’
‘Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??’
‘The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.’

‘What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!’
‘Yes, Senor Rod.’

‘But there’s electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?’
‘For the funeral, Senor Rod.’

‘WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!’ ‘Your wife’s, Senor Rod’, she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.’

SILENCE………. LONG SILENCE……….

‘Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in big trouble!!’ Courtesy of B. Lundgren

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond

And kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack closeby and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

Mike and Doug played golf every Saturday morning at their club, 7:00 AM tee time, spring, summer, fall and winter for 15 years. The third hole was a dogleg left par five, and across the street from the tee box was a cemetery. One beautiful Saturday in October, a funeral procession passed by. Mike took off his hat, and stood silently for a minute on the tee. Doug said “I’ve never seen you do that in 15 years.” Mike said, “Well she was a wonderful wife.” Courtesy of D. Burns

A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy! I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one” The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay,” and makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.” Courtesy of Pauline

Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar…

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a penny. Courtesy of S. Kevlin

A husband and wife are playing golf on a beautiful day. They come to the 14th hole where the wife tees off and hits a perfect drive that splits the fairway. The husband tees off and pulls his tee shot where it lands directly behind a shed blocking his shot to the green, in the far left rough. After contemplating his next shot for a few minutes, the wife makes a suggestion. �How about you open the door of the shed on your side and I will open the door on the other side and you can hit your ball through the two doors onto the green.� The husband exclaims, �That is a great idea!� The man opens the door on his side and the wife opens the door on the opposite side clearing a pathway to the green. As his wife is holding open the door on the other side, the husband takes a mighty swing and hits a bullet through his door, but as the ball flies through the other door it strikes the wife in the head and kills her.

After a period of grieving, the husband goes to play golf with his friends at the same course. The husband, now a widower, tees off on the fateful 14th tee and pulls his tee shot in the very same spot behind the shed. After contemplating his options for a few moments, his friend comes over and says, �Why don�t you open the door on your side of the shed and I will hold open the door on the opposite side of the shed and you can hit you shot to the green. The widower exclaims, �Do you realize what happened the last time I tried that!!??� �No, what?,� asks the friend. The widower,obviously irritated said, �I had to take a triple bogey!� Courtesy of J. Polanski

My very frugal friend and I were at a local course, the horn blew to warn us of impending danger lightning and high winds, we were running back to the club house when my partner was struck by lightning, and I was also shocked unconscious, I later awoke in the hospital to find out my friend had died . two weeks later I felt so badly when I called his wife and tried to explain why I was asking for the 75.00 he owed me for the skin’s game we were playing…..fair is fair…. she told me to get it from him…. Courtesy of Mickey

Four gentlemen had the same tee time for several years. One weekend they decided that the next weekend they would play both Saturday and Sunday of the next week at any cost. It was agreed and the one paying the least would not only win a handsome bet but play his round free. Saturday came and the normal round was played. At the end each vowed to be there the next day no matter the cost. At the second hole the next day the four decided to see who had paid the least to be able to play and thus won the bet. The first gentleman said “this round of golf has cost me a new house full of furniture. From what my wife says it will probably be around $10,000.” The second guy says “you really got off cheap and you have beaten me. My wife said I could play if she could have the new mink coat she has been pestering me about for 3 months, so I said okay. That coat is going to cost me $45,000.” The third fellow lets out a huge sigh and says well you both have beaten me, this round has cost me $175,000.” What for the others exclaim. ” Well she will be driving a new Mercedes Benz next week.” They turn to the fourth fellow and ask for his story. He Says” Oh you fellows have lost the bet and the round. I didn’t have to pay or buy anything to play today.” Astonished the others want to know how he has managed. ” Well you see I woke up around 6:30 this morning. Rolled over in bed, put my arms around my wife and and said “Honey Golf or Sex?” She pulled out of my arms and said “you should take a sweater.”.
Courtesy of A.L. King

A priest, doctor and an engineer are standing on a tee box. There is a group of three men playing in front of them and they are playing very very slowly. While the group is waiting on the tee box a ranger comes by and the group asks what is the story with the three in front of them.

The ranger tells them that they are three firefighters that went blind fighting the fire in the clubhouse last year. And that they allow them to play whenever they want for free.

The priest says “That is a shame; I will say a prayer for them tonight at bedtime.”

The doctor says “I have an ophthalmologist friend and I’ll find out if there is anything he can do for them.”

The engineer says “I understand the reasoning behind letting them play, but why can’t they do it at night!”

A man entered the bus, with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Courtesy of Christine W.

Golfer to Partner on hole #18: Please be quiet, I would really like to make this shot. You see, my mother-in-law is standing on the terrace at the clubhouse.

Partner to Golfer: You’re well over 300 yards away, you’ll never hit her!
Courtesy of Anonymous

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot..everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, “Whoa! What are we going to do?” Said the other ant: “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on the ball.”
Courtesy of L. Lancaster

Four old men were out golfing.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”
Courtesy of Linda L.

Lifelong Golfing Ambition

A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that just out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said: “WAIT …REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL.”

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: “WAIT … STEP BACK … TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.”

So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out again: “TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING.”

He did. Silence followed. Then the voice spoke out again: “PUT THE OLD BALL BACK.”

It was a sunny Saturday morning, just perfect for golf, and Waggleman was beginning his pre-swing routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men’s tee, please!”

Waggleman was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement – “Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!”

That was too much for Waggleman. He broke his stance, lowered his club back to the ground and raised his voice. “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?”
Courtesy of A. Monks

Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course”
Caddy: “Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “This is the worst golf course I’ve ever played on!”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!”

Golfer: “Well Caddy, How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf.”

Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, Sir.”

Golfer: “Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, Sir, its a compass!”

Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!”

Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.”
Caddy: “I doubt it,” replied the caddy. “That would-be too much of a coincidence”
Courtesy of Ormond Higgins

So there’s this guy who golf’s with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.

She’s never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy slices his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.

The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, “It’s the damnest thing I ever saw. There’s an imprint on her temple, and you can read Titleist 1.”

“That was my ball,” the guy said.

“What I don’t understand,” the coroner continued, “is the one on her hip that says Titleist 3.”

“Oh,” the guy replied, “that was my mulligan.”
Courtesy of W.P. Day

Proposed New Golf Rule
A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of “FORE”.� Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call “GORE” while the ball is still in flight.� He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA, but proponents say it is only fair.

A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 7 days to complete!

Waggleman has been stuck on a island, alone, for two years. One day while sitting on a beach a gorgeous buxon blond in a wetsuit and scuba gear comes up out of the water. “My God” says Waggleman you’re the first human being I’ve seen in two years. “Two years, huh” says the blond, “I’ll bet you’d like a drink”. She then proceeded to pull out a flask of Scotch and pour Waggleman a drink. “That’s the finest drink I’ve ever tasted” said Waggleman. “I’ll bet you’d also like a smoke after two years”, at which point she pulled a fine Havanna cigar out of her wet suit. “That’s the best smoke I’ve ever had” exclaimed Waggleman. “Two years huh?” the blond said. “I’ll bet you’d like to play around” and she started to unzip her wetsuit. ” You brought clubs??” said waggleman

Waggleman and his wife had been invited to his father-in-law’s house for dinner. After dinner, Waggleman said “Dad, there’s something important that I need to discuss something with you in the study.”

Once they were in the study behind closed doors, Waggleman explained “I desperately need to borrow $10,000.00; my wife visited the doctor earlier today and he told her that she is very sick. Unless she receives an operation within the next few months she’s going to die and I don’t have $10,000.00 for the operation.”

His father-in-law nodded to indicate he understood and told Waggleman, “Son, if my daughter needs an operation to save her life, I’ll write you a check for $10,000.00 right now, but I’d better not find out later that you’ve used any of the money for golf!”

Waggleman looked his father-in-law in the eye and exclaimed, “Oh no, I’ve got golf money.”

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: “How is the singing career going?” Stevie Wonder replies: “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”

Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”

Stevie Wonder says: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: “You play golf?”

Stevie Wonder says: “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.” And Woods says: “But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”

Wonder replies: “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

“But, how do you putt?”, asks Woods. “Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

Woods asks: “What’s your handicap? Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch Golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night!”

One day Waggleman and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, Waggleman tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods. They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper’s buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can’t play toward the green at all. “Darn!” the Waggleman says, “I’ll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I’ll make five at best.” But his wife, who had been looking things over, said “Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green.” Waggleman congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking Waggleman’s wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot. A year or so later, Waggleman was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building. As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, “Wait, look we can open these double doors and…”. “No way,” Waggleman says, cutting him off. “I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six.”

One day many years ago on the way to the course, Waggleman and his wife were in a terrible car accident. Although Waggleman came through virtually unharmed, his wife was burned severely on her face. After going to several doctors it was found that she could not have any skin grafted from her body because of the fact she was so thin. The last doctor explained a new procedure whereby a facial skin graft could be taken from another person’s body, however the skin removal would be extremely painful for the donator. Waggleman, wanting to make his wife happy, graciously volunteered to donate some of his own skin to be used for a graft for his wife’s face. After looking him over, the doctor says that he can do the graft, but the only suitable area for Waggleman’s skin to be grafted from is his buttocks. Waggleman and his wife agree that nobody will be told of the nature of the skin graft. The doctor agrees as well, as this is an extremely delicate operation. The surgery is successful and Waggleman’s wife looks beautiful. She is constantly being complimented on her beauty and youthful appearance by all of her friends and relatives. One day, when she is alone with Waggleman, she breaks down and sobs, “Oh Waggleman, how can I thank you for the extremely painful sacrifice you have made for me? How can I ever repay you?” Waggleman, thinking quickly, just gets a sly smile on his face and says, “Honey, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!”

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball had hit Waggleman, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!” she told him earnestly.

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied: “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”

Hey, know a good golf joke? Send it to us at Feedback@Waggle.com.